What no one ever tells you is that once you jump, trip and fall or get a universal push into the Abyss you’re in there for life. Sounds frightful, Right? Well…what I found out is that it is much like Dr. Who’s Tardis; it is not what it appears to be. What it is, I found out, was a customizable guidance system completely and unfathomably infinite and therefore filled with endless probable and possible learning experiences. It takes awhile to fully grasp this concept, and you will go through a myriad of emotions and thoughts, panic and “What have I done?!?” being the initial reaction.
I did become acutely aware that I was utterly alone once my panic had subsided. I had, after all, drove most people away when I was in storm mode. The few that were left (although very supportive) had lives of their own to lead and I, feeling like the lowest life form on Planet Earth, had decided that withdrawing from life to save everyone from my pathetic self was a viable option (pity party; table for one, please). Lucky for me and everyone else I had tripped and fell into this Abyss.
I wallowed in self-pity for awhile (probably much longer than was necessary) but one day I realized that I was angry at me. I was shocked to figure this out but with no distractions and no one to micro-manage my life but me it was an inevitable conclusion to come to. I also realized that I loved being alone, it was peaceful and comforting and I relaxed and began to explore.
Here is the funny thing about being in the Abyss, time is distorted, it is actually lighter inside than it appears from the precipice and you appear to be floating instead of falling. You also have the ability to pop in and out of the Abyss and real life, which is really cool. You are simultaneously living your life and correcting it at the same time.
Here is the apparently rotten thing about the Abyss; there is an honesty inclusion which prohibits you from denying who you really are. In the long run this is a great thing but when you are facing the cold, hard truth of your imbalanced, unconscious self, it is a frightful ordeal. No worries, you find out it is only one aspect of the whole you and some of it isn’t you at all, just conditioned behavior patterns.
So, I had been conditioned to believe that I was selfish, dishonest, disobedient, and cursed with a tongue that was akin to a double-edged sword dipped in poison. I feared that this was my truth and I did everything humanly possible to not be these things. I sought approval by desperately trying to please the people that told me these things. Now, I personally didn’t see myself this way and I made it my life’s mission to convince people that they had misunderstood me but secretly I feared that I had perhaps misunderstood myself.
I realized that by trying to people please my way into a much more favorable light I had strayed from my original design. All those feared traits were actually cotton candy fluff compared to what I had actually become. What I had become was a cold, calculated, hyper-critical tyrant. I didn’t just tell people what I thought of them I annihilated them without remorse (turns out the tongue as poison sword thing was true) or if it suited me I ignored them to the point where they began to doubt their own existence.
I had become my father. My father, who I feared and loathed but loved and desperately wanted approval from. This revelation caused an odd sensation and being the emotionally stunted individual that I am it took me awhile to figure out what in the world was wrong. It basically boils down to cognitive dissonance and something that is repeatedly going to happen until you take a lengthy walk with Scrutiny and Discernment. It turns out they’re nice know and can be quite helpful. Don’t let their ‘Good Cop, Bad Cop,’ shtick fool you.
Photo: Dark Night of the Soul, camera phone (moto) with paint edit by Pamela