Peeling back the layers…

of hurt can at times feel like a Sisyphean task. Once I started trying to heal my wounds, it didn’t take long until I realized that they have a tendency to cycle back around. It is frustrating and quite frankly, I must admit, that I wanted to give up a time or two. A person can only take so¬† much.

There is a reason why some issues just keep turning up like a bad penny. If we have had a tendency in our past to ignore, run away from or deny that there is a problem attachment issues become a result and they build up over time. As you are going through your healing process those outer issues are going to be dealt with first. They aren’t however the core issue which started the mess and when you get to the core you realize that it all began and therefore must end with you.

The recurring theme in my life has been how other people perceive me and it has caused me a great deal of frustration. People often see me as a non-threatening, weak-minded, fragile human being. I have no idea why I am perceived this way but it has been a struggle. I have had a lifetime of people coming into my life and trying to run it based on what they find important, which I might have understood if I had asked them for help but I am really not the type to do so (even if I need it).

It didn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that the type of people that were rolling through my life trying to control it mirrored my relationship with my emotionally distant and controlling father and my smothering, micro-managing mother. What I hadn’t realized is that I had never learned to set boundaries or I had but after constantly having those boundaries crossed I stopped setting them.

My issues with respect, control, trust, security, they were just layers that needed to be peeled away and at the core was the big kahuna. I felt misunderstood. I wanted people to understand me, who I am, what I am, what I am capable of. Here is the clincher, I didn’t even understand myself. So, if I didn’t know or understand me than how could I expect anyone else to?


Photo: Bougainvillea. Rajasthan, India. Nikon DSLR 5300 by Pamela

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