I Am…?

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“I Am” are undoubtedly the two most powerful words in existence with them you can build yourself up or pick yourself apart. You are stating your awareness of Self. How do you see You? Do you choose the affirmative perspective and declare the great “I Am a glorious creation that is filled with limitless possibilities” or do you choose the negative perspective and espouse the shrinking “i am a worthless being, incapable of attaining what i want or need in life?” What is your perspective and furthermore why is that your belief?

After my adventure into the Tarot I found that I had chosen the negative “I Am.” I didn’t like it much and I wanted to know why. Why I didn’t like it? It felt a bit like wearing ill-fitting clothing; presentable but not quite right. Why, when and how had I fallen into this habitual pattern of negativity? Most importantly, now that I was aware of it…How could I change it?

Honestly, before my hospitalization, I had felt something was amiss and I had tried numerous times to change it and some changes were positive and some where not. I revisited some of those changes (good and bad) and realized those that worked did so because I was being authentically me and those that didn’t work, were like those ill-fitting clothes. They belonged to someone else.

Life is a series of trial and error events that shape us into what we are. I had, unfortunately, taken the easy way out and adhered to someone else’s rules of life, which resulted in me being uncomfortable in my own skin, in life…every aspect of it in fact. My Bipolar breakdown was a bit of a clean slate. It gave me some clarity and a bit of validation. It gave everyone a bit of validation, those people in my life that had thought the worst about me still felt that way.

This information was a wake up call. Why was I knocking myself out (and stressing out) trying to be the perfect person for them? I was hurting me and obviously, no matter how hard I try I am never going to be other than how they already see me. I decided that I needed to change my “I AM” perspective. I needed to set my own rules for life. I needed to find me not try to fit into what someone else wanted me to be.

To do this I needed a support network for when things got a bit rough and I did have supportive people in my life. They became my inner circle and I let the others fall to the side. Here is the tricky part, your inner circle can become a crutch, they can also become replacements for those people that you let fall away. Why? Quite simply because we are still repeating our habitual negative patterns of behavior. We may be aware of them but as we all know…habits are hard things to break.

Photo: Camels somewhere in the Thar Desert of Rajasthan. Taken by Pamela with a Nikon DSLR 5300

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