The past few months have been a bit vexing for me. I found myself in an emotional place I didn’t like. To keep this short, I felt like life was passing me by rather quickly and I had yet to achieve any of the goals I set for myself. This is largely my fault because I have a tendency to busy myself with other people’s stuff and honestly, I am quiet, so when more outspoken friends and family members voice their likes and dislikes it is the squeaky wheel that gets the oil. Both of these actions result in other people thinking I like the same things they like, which isn’t always the case, and has led to me feeling frustrated, defeated, unheard and invisible. Things have needed to change and I just couldn’t seem to muster the energy to change them; this is partially due to emotional triggers that were brought on by living in India.
The everyday chaotic, drama-filled frenzy of India was like dealing with my mother and the dismissive, patriarchal “you know nothing and have no value because you are a female,” of the Indian mindset, smacked of my father and brought up a plethora of wounds that I thought I had dealt with. I realized that something was off while I was in India but much like my childhood; when I am in the thick of it I often do not notice the source of my discomfort only that I am uncomfortable.
When we got the news that we would be leaving India I was ecstatic and then the proverbial other shoe dropped, we wouldn’t be moving to Bulgaria as planned (yet). Nope I was going back to my birth country and to say I was pissed was an understatement. Being irrationally angry has resulted in me losing focus and detaching (which by the way is my favorite coping skill and one of the few things I have mastered in life). It also means that my blogging has been sporadic at best, partially because I felt like I was just ranting and partially due to the fact that I was trying to process all this emotional information (admittedly not adept at that).
Today for my Gratitude Challenge entry I would like to state that I am truly grateful to the country of India for showing me emotional wounds that still need some healing, and for America giving me a home to come back to where I can lick my wounds; re-group, re-charge and re-connect with me, and to Bulgaria which gives me hope and a dream to strive for.