Gratitude Challenge #10

The past few days have been cathartic for me, I understand it has probably been intense for you to read and you have undoubtedly had enough. I can’t blame you, for in a world that seems to be going to hell in a handbasket we often choose to pursue the light and fluffy. This is simply the way I process my emotional turmoil, I start with what I think is bugging me and the real muck automatically comes to the surface. 

Today, I am truly grateful for the courage to make some tough decisions.

With that being said, I have some news. I am stepping away from the Blog, maybe on a temporary basis; maybe permanently. I have been in a state of soul-sucking unhappiness for years. I feel the core of this issue is the fact that I have no (personal) purpose, having spent my lifetime being a frequent coat-tail flyer. There is nothing that makes me pop out bed with eagerness and anticipation in the morning and I am quite frankly tired of crying myself to sleep at night because another day passed and I wasn’t able to squeeze in what was important to me. Over the years I have lost faith in myself, and humanity. I have also lost hope that I can and will be, one day, fulfilled. I want to change that. 

I have been addressing the emotional wounds and my own behavior patterns that got me to this point and I know I need to make some changes. This Blog was originally started as a tool for me to work through my issues and then later attach to the Stara Planina Meditation Center. My original vision for the Stara Planina Meditation Center was an Art Retreat and skill-share center. Somehow it morphed into something else and I feel uncomfortable with it and inauthentic. These two things are daily reminders that I am letting other people call the shots and therefore I have never actually lived my life. I need to take control. 

One of the things I love about Sus is the fact that when she decides she wants something she steamrolls her way over everything and everyone to get it. It has made her extremely successful and a formidable ally but it also means that I too get steamrolled in the process, we have discussed this and although there has been improvement there is much work that still needs to be done. I am uncertain how this is going to pan out. I question whether I can break my cycle of behavior with her (and others) and if she can allow someone other than herself to call the shots once in awhile. 

The fact of the matter remains, that I can not and will not achieve happiness by helping other people achieve their hearts desire while forfeiting my own. I am a firm believer that you can not move forward in Life if you are unwilling to let go of what doesn’t serve a purpose in that life. I am hoping that by letting go of the things that are not completely my own I will have room and time for more beneficial opportunities. On that note, for those of you that have been reading and following along I thank you and wish you much joy and happiness in life. 

 

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