Last year was tumultuous to say the least. I made some difficult decisions and have decided that with a new year upon us I am going to start with a clean slate. The former Bedouin Boho Abroad has been renamed to @DaVinci’s Doorstep and with the new name we get a new direction. For all those that were following BedouinBohoAbroad and the Stara Planina Meditation Center FaceBook page I thank you and you are more than welcome to follow along on this new venture.
I would also like to apologize. I know that the end of last year was rough. I was going through an existential crisis and my physical health wasn’t helping. I know many of you thought that perhaps I was in the midst of a Bipolar episode but the truth of the matter is my life just somehow got away from me and I wasn’t dealing with that fact very well. The sad thing is it was my fault.
I have over the years become a master at self sabotage and I need to fix that by changing the behavioral patterns I constantly find myself cycling through. I addressed many of these patterns in my last entries (which are now deleted). If you missed them my apologies but I am ready to move on and put it all behind me and I will after this explanation.
It is an explanation not because I feel the need to justify my actions but because it happened abruptly and probably seems like it came out of no where and has had many questioning my sanity. Yes, I have Bipolar 1 Disorder. No, I am not currently in an episodic state nor have I been in one recently. This is one of the stigmas that make me loathe to share the fact that I have Bipolar.
Once people know, everything becomes suspect. You have a bad day…it’s the bipolar, you’re sad (because there is a death in the family but you haven’t shared that fact yet or been asked)…must be the bipolar. You say something off the wall that might very well be factual but isn’t common knowledge outside a certain area of expertise causing the listener cognitive dissonance…must be the bipolar. People, being the way people are, want the pretense of helping but not actually the nitty-gritty, getting dirty aspect of helping and so they treat you like an invalid and try to guide you into situations they are more comfortable with, thinking it will help. Along the lines of someone yelling when dealing with somebody whose native language is not shared by the person yelling. Stop yelling…they aren’t deaf they speak French. In the same regard I suffer from a chemical (Brain) imbalance I am not cognitively or mentally impaired.
The truth is I have been functioning quite successfully for several years. I have not had any relapses since my initial hospitalization in 2005, which is actually a remarkable feat. I am not saying it has been easy but I held my own, followed doctor’s orders, took my meds, implemented lifestyle changes, talked things through with a therapist and put forth the work I needed to do to learn about my disorder, cope with life and thwart future episodes. As much as I would love to dissolve the mental illness stigmas in this world it is difficult to put yourself back into a mode that you have moved on from. I have a mental illness but it doesn’t define me.
As for Stara Planina Meditation Center, I am no longer a part of that. My initial goal was an Artistic Retreat and Skill Share Center. Why? Because I am an artist and I was awestruck by the rich, vibrant artistic culture of Bulgaria. The traditional handicrafts are simply amazing and something that is near and dear to my heart. I have great-grandparents that immigrated to America with their own rich, cultural heritage, traditions and handicrafts and I saw them die out in a generation or two. I found it heartbreaking and so I relearned skills that were taught to me as a child. I was also painfully aware during my visits to Bulgaria that the population is predominately elderly and in decline and with each Baba (grandmother) that passes away a regional tradition in the form of food or craft or skill passes with her. I wanted a place to keep those traditions and crafts alive and give the Babas some added income.
I am perplexed that it ended up a meditation center, my art barn became a yoga studio, instead of creative skills being shared I ended up doing tarot (I think it is a wonderful self-discovery tool but I am not a reader/fortune teller). I found myself being squeezed out of my own dream because it came down to a money game and keeping dying art forms alive and well doesn’t bring in the money. I felt like a little piece of me was dying as the days turned into years and I was getting farther and farther away from what was important to me. Keeping the blog going became a tedious chore, and it all came to a head last year and I made the decision to walk away, figure out what’s next for me and get back to my roots. If you feel like I let you down, I am sorry but I could no longer let myself do something that I didn’t have the heart for and I was also uncomfortably out of my element and area of expertise.
From this moment on this blog will be more aligned with my goals for life. It will be more creative, artistic, a little left of center, a bit irreverent and there will probably be some crazy in there too…once in awhile. I have been on this Planet for 49 years, Life has seldom been easy, and it wasn’t always fun (it was also never dull) but I did learn a thing or two along the way and I am willing to share what I have learned. To those that followed, Thank You for your support. For those that feel I let them down, I apologize it was not my intention. For those that want to move on, I wish you all the best and hope you find what you are searching for. For those of you that want to stay, I welcome you to @DaVinci’s Doorstep and the chance to journey through life with me.