The Problem with…
There is roughly a week left before January fades into a blur and I find myself apprehensive about it. I had given myself this one month to get things situated and begin a new, life venture. In short, start living life more authentically rather than coat-tail ride my way through it. So, Why the apprehension? Well, quite simply it passed more quickly than anticipated and I find that I am not ready to get the ball rolling…just yet.
It isn’t really a fear of anything in particular but I have this nasty little trait where I feel as though everything has to be perfect. The problem with perfection is that you can spend a lifetime pursuing it and it is always just out of reach. I am struggling with things not being perfect at this moment: I had a list of things to get done and I am slightly half way through it; life is also ever-changing and I still feel like I am stuck in this limbo pattern…endlessly waiting for something, anything to happen.
I am struggling with self-doubt. I realize I should get out of my head but I have grown comfortable in there. It is like some grand, over-stuffed library full of enticing stacks of literature where happily, I could spend a lifetime and that has become part of the problem. My inner world is fantastically rich and vibrant and I need to find a way to bring it out into the real world, which, quite frankly, scares me shitless. I have found that the combination of an incredibly imaginative mind married with a bit of madness can alarm the world and I found it easier to hide.
Hiding means I have been living a half-life. I never feel safe or trusting enough to be me and it has quashed my creativity, or at least my creativity surfaced in some unexpected ways (like trying to create the perfect meal, home, holiday, workspace, etc.,.). I have become OCD, constantly arranging my life into easy to manage categories, because I feel my life is out of control and those boxes filled with forbidden aspects of myself are easier to deal with if they are neatly wrapped up and stored away.
I did what every other being on this planet does when faced with a conundrum, I Googled how to fix it, which only left me overwhelmed. It seems there is a myriad of ways to be a success at life, but the truth is you could easily spend an entire lifetime trying them all. Do I really want to…? I have found that there are no “one size fits all” solutions to life nor do I feel like taking the time to try the trillions of “fixes” out there or part with hard earned cash on an unproven fix or “The Five Things” that helped that one alleged “expert.”
The truth is….
life is a crap shoot, every time you become comfortable and feel you have mastered it the floor drops out. It is a Sisyphean cycle of mastery and failure. This isn’t my first existential rodeo and I doubt it will be my last. I have learned that it is okay not to have all the answers. It is also okay to doubt myself and quest for perfection (even though I know I will never achieve it). I am aware that coat-tail riding served a purpose at one point, it just doesn’t serve me now. I will get up, dust myself off, reflect on what worked but isn’t working now and try something different. Eventually something new will work and I will ride that for awhile. There will be a lot of trial and error and I will try not to get stuck in a quagmire of insignificant details. I will try to do more and think less.